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Health Warmongering

My father, Henry Kissinger, is turning 100. This is his guide to longevity.

On his 100th birthday, the former secretary of state is as active and engaged with world problems as ever. Here is his secret to a long life.

  1. Obliterate villages.
  2. Kill the weak.
  3. Blood! Glorious blood!
  4. Bloooooooooooooood! Bloooooooooooooood! Bloooooooooooooood!
  5. THE WORLD MUST BURN IN HELLFIRE.
  6. Malicious, murderous, statecraft. And by statecraft I mean murder.
  7. Bloooooooooooooood! Bloooooooooooooood! Bloooooooooooooood!
  8. Enslave any weak not killed in point 2.
  9. An endless series of war crimes committed on behalf of the United States of America, with full backing from its leadership over successive administrations.
  10. Meditation.

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